I've always wanted to live abroad, but after 6 months of doing it I can say that the sunshine of the dream is sometimes brighter than the sun that actually shines. The realization of the imbalance of luminosity culminates not in regret or as a complaint, but rather in the further understanding of the value of the deconstructing of one's self to the foundation. To the core. To the place we surround with walls bricked with fear and insecurities. Deconstruction is rarely, if ever, a smooth or harmonic thing. It is usually more closely related to implosion or the torrent of a raging river, or both.
As 2008 fades to memory I am thankful to have stumbled upon and crashed into some partial answers. I say 'partial' because the totality of them does not come in between the sunrise and sunset of a sole South American day. No, it turns out these answers I search for will come from night upon night spent sleeping on a single size box spring while my belle sleeps on the mattress half next to me. They are the kind of answers that come from swallowing my stubbornness and accepting the truth of how little I know about the world. They come from when pride has frozen our ability to grow and we decide (or are forced) to break our barnaclized minds free of the giant Caribbean cruise control ships named 'Comfort' and 'Easy'. They are answers that come from walking with chaos until it loses the potency of its dissonance. They come from believing heat and dust, or cold and snow, are no longer formidable adversaries. They come from when we decide second-guessing ourselves is a hindrance to living. They come from the acceptance that if everything we owned disappeared we would become more defined rather than less. The answers come from understanding that I am not what I create, nor am I what I destroy, but I always am. Like Vishnu.
When we decide to live there are repercussions. Our weaknesses stand naked and the more we try to hide them from the world around us, the less we are alive, the more the river will rage, and the more we'll look the fool.
2008 has been a crazy amazing ride. If all goes well 2009 should be more of the same. My best to all of you in the new year and be sure to keep an eye out for the orange gorilla. Take care. Take chances.
CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE:
I took this photo a couple of days ago - one of the last sunsets over Buenos Aires in 2008.
Currently Listening To:
the wind howling through our glassless windows